At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I'd hate to be 100% hetero. Pretty sure they have less orgies
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
