so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
