Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
