My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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