her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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