I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
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