If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
