There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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