i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
