I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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