the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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