Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
