i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
