I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
Randomize
