I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
