so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize