i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize