Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I FOUND THE LEGS
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
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