She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
