anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
