Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
