my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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