It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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