You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
