everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
