Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
