im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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