and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
