your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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