You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
