I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
