He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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