I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
