I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
