Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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