dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Randomize
