you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
