a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
