please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Randomize
