"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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