You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
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