it's too hot outside to masturbate.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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