What did we do last night that was yellow?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Operation Purity has been aborted
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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