I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
