i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
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