I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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