News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
