you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
