honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
