I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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