So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
Randomize
