Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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