Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
