I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
